Oh sea... how i miss ur shore...how badly i miss ur waves

I wish i was there with you...i wish i was drowned in ur arms...i wish i could taste the sweetness of death when my lips touched urs

I miss the last time i was there with u...i was such a coward that i didnt give myself to u

Indeed i was a coward

U were a way for me to see my dad and i thought u were frightning

Im sure it was warm in ur arms... Is it as warm as my dad’s arms? Because ive never felt it u know

But maybe u could give me a chance to be with my dad

I hate it here

I hate everyone here

I even hate myself

I hate my life

Im at the final line with my life now

I would love my life to end with u...with the coldness of ur waves and warmth of death in ur deep

I wont be lonely with u

Im comin to u

Im coming

Dear Lord,

 I feel so lonely. I need your help; I need your love to be saved or I'll go straight to Hell. It's so hard to resist the temptations. My sever loneliness is becoming a nightmare for me.

Set me free of this pain, of this loneliness, of my crazy thoughts. I'm fighting so hard with me. I don’t want to do some thing you don’t like. But I'm losing my sanity, my faith, my chastity, and I'm losing me.

I know you have given me things more than I deserve. But I can't feel grateful about them. Why is that? 

Why can't he shower me with love so that I don’t suffer much? Is it a test of yours that he doesn’t give me love as much as I need? Oh lord, it's not fair. It's so hard for me; it's more than I can endure. Please help me out. My mind is heavy with crazy thoughts. My heart is thirsty of love. My eyes fill up with tears and my heart breaks so badly when I can't relinquish its thirst.

Dad, how could you do this to me? How could you leave me? How could you be so far away from me and so close to sky? How can you see me suffer so much?

I miss you. Isn’t it funny I miss someone I don’t even remember? Isn’t it ridiculous that I crave for some one's arms that were never open and warm for me? Isn’t it absurd that I always turn to you when I feel I need a man's love and emotional support? Yes, indeed it is. Well, my life is a ridiculous joke.

I forgive you for what you did to me, for the spot your loss dug into my heart. You, too, forgive me if I lost me so that we are even!

A little left of my patience,

Narcis

Celestial Gift

The peerless emotion

In high speed and motion

Switch voyage from sight

Then it gets to the ocean

Toward the heart it departs

Penetrates Veins and Arts

To every inch it drives

Get residence in the heart

Acting like a conjunction

Merging the Two, its function

The Lover and Beloved

Getting allied on junction

Outstanding Gift of God

Donated to earthy mud

Some will face it and some not

Foe the latter it seems odd

But the former is drunk

In Beloved He is sunk

Raising His hands to sky

Not help having night cry

If beloved getting sick

For this sickness He will die

In love's ocean you need dare

On barbwire walking bare

Tackle hardships encountered

If you care to be in pair

Like the Two parallel lines

Keeping pace but never binds

Shifting to be the rail's wings

Spirituality's minds 

By a colleague who prefers to stay anonymous  

Narcis  

My dearest father,

It's the father's day tomorrow…as other girls are happy buying gifts for their fathers, I'm mournful for your loss as if I've lost you yesterday. I wish I could have bought you a gift. I wish I could have hugged and kissed you and told you "happy father's day to the best father in the whole world."

Oh, how I miss you! Why can't I get rid of this pain? How long? How long am I gonna suffer for your loss? I can't take it, daddy. Why don’t I have you with me? Why did you go to the front? Did you ask me if I liked you to go? No, you didn't. After all you couldn't have asked an eighteen month old girl if she desired to be an orphan!

I went shopping today, you know. But I couldn’t find any thing for you in the market.  Nothing seemed to be good for you. What girls buy for their father on the father's day in Heaven?

We're going on a trip to Ghom in less than three hours. I haven’t packed our stuff yet. I don’t feel like going. Hubby has gone out to have the car ready for our trip. So I could at least get the chance to write you this. This is the only thing I can do for you for the father's day. I'm sorry that I couldn’t do anything more than that. I wish I could have.

You see how sad it is, I couldn’t buy you any presents, I can't even visit you (your grave) tomorrow. Well, that happens when you don’t have a father.

I have told God that I don’t wanna live much long in this world because it's so hard to live in here. Resisting all the temptations of this world demands a strong soul; something I lack. I want to stay pure so that I can be with you in Heaven. But I know I don’t have a pure soul. What if Lord sends me to Hell? If he does so, will you come to Hell to be with me?? No, I don't think so, I know you won't. You never come to my dreams while you know how I crave for you. So how can I expect you to tolerate the free flame of fire for me, for you sinful daughter? No, I won't expect that from you as I don’t expect you to come to my dreams.

I'm not feeling well. I wish I could talk about you with some one. I don’t expect to find anyone to talk, either.

Your lonely daughter,

Narcis

Dear Nobody,

Although I know you may never read this letter, I'm writing it just to answer all your whys in order to empty myself. I've tried to keep my distance with you, and though you are suffering a lot you have tried hard to respect my decision. I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry that I can't be with you any more. I'm sorry that I can't feel about you the way I used to. I know you are in severe pain, I'm sorry I can't ease your pain.

Let's go back to nine months ago when it all started; when we were still undiscovered for each other, when you didn’t love me that much and when I didn’t have feelings for you. I was thirsty of love and affection, I was mournful for our father's loss and I was seeking love without having to commit sins. Then something magical happened: we both had a dream on one night! Then we thought maybe God wanted us to be close together. We got close and we saw more of each other. I fell in love with you, you fell in love with me, too; a love that was more than a love, or more like obsession. I promised to be with you forever, I wanted to be with you in heaven, too. You became a big part of me, a part that I couldn’t let go of. Our love was a precious gift from God, it was so pure, but we spoiled it (I'm not gonna only blame you). 

Now let us talk about the night I lost your love. Do you remember our last fight? Do you remember how I begged you to stop it? And do you remember what you said to me? I can't even repeat what you said! It was more than a simple insult. But I didn’t lose your love because of the names you called me or because of the way you talked to me. No, it wasn’t how it happened. Well, you told me to go away, to go back to daddy (as a mockery). You made me cry so hard that night. I couldn't tolerate not to be with you, after all you reminded me of our father. The unbearable ache was more than I could endure. It was like all my desires and happiness swept away. It was like I was losing our father again. Tears surged in my heart asking me to flow, to let you go and to want you no more. So, that was the time I turned to our father. I called him so loudly inside my heart and there he was right beside my bed. I asked him to take your love away from me. And he did so. He took away the suffer, the pain, and your love. And I was relieved. You may not believe it but that was how I lost your love over a night. And that was how my heart got empty of your love.

Now all I feel for you is sorry. I'm sorry that you couldn’t have me more than six months, I'm sorry that you broke my heart so badly. I'm sorry that you were the best and the worst person I've ever been with. And I'm sorry that I fell in love with my half brother because I thought he could be as loving and caring as my father.

When I looked at you, it was like I was looking at our father. If only you didn’t look like so much… when you touched my hair, I was overwhelmed with joy thinking that I was experiencing what all girls in the world experienced when they were patted by their fathers. You were like a father to me, what was I to you?

I don’t know who to blame for what happened to or between us. Shall I blame our fate that we never lived together like other siblings do? Shall I blame dad for not having had us brought up together? Shall I blame myself for feeling too much about you? Shall I blame you for having been so close to me, for being like me, thinking or feeling exactly the way I do? Whom shall I blame? Whom shall I curse for the pain you have and for the love I don’t have?

I forgive you for all you said or did to me because you are my brother; because you are my father's son. I forgive you because I love dad so much. Every time you hurt me, he was there for me; he sat beside me when I was crying. He looked at me with a smile when my tears were rolling down my face. He felt me when I was trembling. He listened to me when I was complaining about you. And I assure you I wasn’t dreaming. It was real, he was real. So I forgive you only for his sake, because you are related to him, but not to me any more.

From your half sister with no love,

Narcis  

Last Friday there was a get together at my granny's house (from my mom's side) because my uncle came from Rasht to spend the three-day- holiday in his home town. You know, it's so good to have lots of relatives and to spend some time with them. It really feels good to think that what ever or in any position you are, where ever you live, back there, you have some people who love you and who have been with you from the very first moments of your existence; the people who belong to you and who you belong to them. So, that was just so wow with all of my aunts and cousins and their spouses and their kids. My uncle is a humorous and entertaining sort of person, made us laugh to stitches talking about anything and everything. We had lunch and in the afternoon, my cousins and I had lots of greengages with salt while we teased each other like the way we used to when we were kids; that was so much fun.

In the evening, I was sitting on the porch and watching yasamin playing with my cousins' kids in the yard. And it took me back to years ago, when my aunts were young, and when my uncle was still single, and when my cousins and I were kids.   

Well, at that time, we used to get together a lot, like every weekend for sure. And my cousins and I (girls and boys) used to play in granny's big garden from morning to noon and then from afternoon till night. We used to stay the night over at granny's with bedrooms and the living room full; all kids sleeping in one room, siblings(my aunts and uncle) in another, and the men( aunts' husbands) in the living room.

While the living room was almost quiet with the men snoring there, the bedrooms were restless and noisy; in one of them with the siblings' talks and laughs about old memories and in the other one with the boys teasing girls and with the girls' objections to be teased; the boys from among my childhood love was. 

As I was all drowned in the past memories, he came to me with a smile asking: 

Him: does it remind you of our childhood? 

Me: oh yeah, we had a very happy and special childhood, didn’t we? 

Him: sure we did. I thought you forgot all about it. 

Me: come on, how could I? They were the best days of my life. 

Him: same here. You know, I often think about those days…I wouldn’t play with anyone but you and the other cousins (girls) were so jealous… 

Me: ha ha, that was because I was the only one who could tolerate an irritating and cranky one like you (laughing) 

Him: yes and also because you were so sweet that I couldn’t be with anyone else but you. You still are! 

Me: Wow that was flirty! 

Him: Nooo, come on. I'm serious…You know, when I was a kid I used to think that you and I were gonna…you never know what will happen! 

Me: Our childhood memories are very beautiful and sacred. But, to be frank, I think we weren’t meant to be together. But we are good friends now, right? Just like before. 

Him: yeah, you're right. 

Me: 

Him:  

He was right. As kids, we would always stick together. But when we grew up and reached puberty, I was the one who backed off. Then as he was busy hanging out with his girlfriends, I was all drowned in my own kind of mysticism which was writing letters to Lord and my dad. Years past, I got engaged while he was happy with a girlfriend. 3 years later, I got married and he got engaged with that girlfriend.  I had Yasamin and he broke up with his fiancée. And in the whole time each of us seemed to be happy with the way we had chosen to live. So, I think that was how fate separated us and we never even realized it. And now, I don’t and can't ever feel anything about him other than the feeling I may have for a cousin. And I'm sure it’s the same for him, too.  Because if anything was supposed to happen, it would have happened years ago. Well, although I hate the fact that I didn’t choose hubby (mom did), I know mom made the best choice for me. And even if I was free to choose my husband, to be perfectly honest, I would never fall for my childhood love.  

Narcis

On Monday, the day of unpleasant incident: I couldn’t take my mind off of what happened. That very day I was all confused. The whole day I kept asking myself "why? Why me? What wrong have I done that they thought they could say such a thing to me? How am I going to go to that class or even other classes? Is this how they look at me?" I canceled my private class that I had in the evening. I had a very bad headache, I had neither energy nor interest to talk, I couldn’t eat much, and at night, it took me hours to get to sleep. And the fact that I couldn’t talk about it with hubby or anyone else was killing me to death.

On Tuesday: I woke up with a bad headache. Every where I went or looked at, the damn chair and the words were right in front of my eyes. They weren’t getting out of my sight or thought. I had my piano lessens but I couldn’t focus on playing the piano. Even my piano teacher could realize that something was wrong with me. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was a wreck. Colleagues asked if I was okay, and I said it was just a bad headache. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Again at night, it took me hours to sleep.

On Wednesday:  I woke up with a very bad headache. I felt like my head was about to explode. My heart was beating so fast. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was such a mess. I wasn’t able to act; to look happy. My head was so heavy and my mind was full of crazy thoughts. Colleagues realized something was wrong. They asked but I couldn’t say anything wishing I could have. They talked and laughed and I wished I could have, too. But nothing sounded funny to me. Classes were over. Now, I could finally get a chance to talk to a colleague about what happened. I could finally empty myself. She told me that I had to find out the culprit and let him get what he is deserved for and that I had to punish him otherwise the other students would think that they could disrespect their female teachers and easily get away from it.

We talked for less than 20 minutes and after that, it was all me again; calm and comforted. I was relieved. And the amazing point was that it didn’t seem so awful and embarrassing to me anymore. Well, I didn’t do anything wrong, I shouldn’t have been ashamed for something I had no hands on. I could smile again, my headache was gone. And I was determined to find the wrongdoer. 

That night it took an hour to sleep but this time I was planning how to trap the offender.

On Thursday: I woke up with no headache. I was at ILI 15 minutes early and in less than 10 minutes, with an old trick, I found the offender. I called his mother and asked her to be at ILI at eleven thirty. Then I went to the class with a smile. I wasn’t afraid of that chair anymore. I wasn’t weak anymore. I managed the class as naturally as possible. And when the class was over, I told the offender that he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew why. He followed me upstairs and begged me to forgive him. All I said was" stay here, your mom is on her way" he was panicked. I went to teacher's office and waited. And there she was, on time. I invited her in, told the boy to stay out, and I talked to her. I told her what happened and what her son did, and what I got through. I said "I will do your son a favor and I won't tell the principal, because if I do the principal will never let him step into ILI again. I don’t want to ruin his future for this. However, as a punishment, I'm going to fail him this term so that he or any other students at ILI won't have the audacity to offend a female teacher."

She was very embarrassed and apologetic. She said that she was very sorry and that she didn’t know what to say, and left as a couple of colleagues stepped in. They asked what happened and I told them all. It didn’t sound like a hush-hush to me anymore.

Now although more people at my work know about what happened, I'm still not willing to let hubby know. I don’t want him to think that I'm not working in a good place. I will forget all about it in less than a week but he, as a husband, will be worried forever. I don’t want to see worries in his eyes when I'm leaving for work.

My Lord, I'm very thankful to you that I could handle the crisis very well. I'm happy that, with your help, I could act on Monday; that I could pretend I didn’t see those words, and that I could manage the class very well as if nothing happened. I thank you that you helped me control myself in not telling hubby about it. And of course I'm grateful to you for having Ms. Noruzian, the good colleague/ friend, to help me out of it, the one whom my special thanks go to. You know, I forgive that kid for your love and I hope the best for him. But it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be punished. Failing him this term will teach him a lesson and this is for the best.

Being proud of me,

Narcis  

I woke up at about a quarter to 9. I washed my face thinking that "it's just another great day". Yasamin and I had breakfast, got dressed and got into the car. I drove her to the kindergarten and I headed ILI thinking "it's just another great day". I parked the car, ran to ILI because I didn’t want to be late. I wasn’t late. I was fifteen minutes early. And I was thinking "what a great day!" Colleagues talked and laughed, I talked and laughed thinking "indeed it’s a great day". I took my books and Cd and all the stuff heading the class with a smile. I opened the door, said hello to my students, they said hello, too. I sat at my desk and…

There was a chair right in the middle of the class and right in front of me. I had a glance at it. There were some words written on it. It read……………

It was a about me!! About me?!! I took my eyes off of it, knowing that my students were observing me. I was embarrassed and insulted. I was sure they read it and I was sure they saw me reading it. But I pretended I didn’t see it, that I wasn’t insulted at all. I pretended that I didn’t see that chair. And as I was pretending I was asking my self "Have I ever done or said anything like that to my teachers?" and the answer was no. I've never even dared to talk about my teachers in that way.

 I did what I normally do; I taught, I joked around with them, we laughed. But I kept asking myself "what's worse than being insulted?".

I know I am a good actress. That damn chair was in front me for an hour and half and I was burning inside. But I didn’t let them know how I was feeling and that I was acting. And I thanked God for this gift.

The class was over. They were gone. I closed the door. We were alone, me and the damn chair. I took out my correction pen and I did what I had to do asking myself " to whom can I talk about this? Hubby?...Never. A friend?... So embarrassing. Mom?... I can't say those words to mom…so no one is left. It's only God that I can turn to."

I was done. I opened the door. All the students were gone. Most of the colleagues were gone, too. I got out, walked to my car with a frown. I couldn’t breath, I was choking, and my hands were shaking. I got into the car, put on my sunglasses, turned on the Cd player, drove home, and I looked at the sky, looked at Him and I cried. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. I was insulted and I couldn’t say a word. I had to keep quiet and laugh and teach!

I arrived home. I sat in the car for a while, took off my sunglasses, looked at me in the mirror. My cheeks were blushed, lips were dry and eyes were wet. And I asked my self "is it a great day? Is it how they look at me? Is it how they think of me? Would they do the same if I were a man? Did I get that because I am a woman?"

What happened today didn't make me hate teaching. No, I don’t hate teaching. I don’t hate teaching boys. I don’t hate ILI. I don’t hate my students. I don’t even hate the one or the ones who did this. But I hate that chair. I hate it so badly. I want it to be destroyed.

Every night, I bore hubby with what happens at ILI each day; what colleagues say, what students do, what I do. He watches TV and I keep talking and talking asking myself "is he listening to me?". Well, I don’t care; I need to talk, to take every thing out of me, to empty me, so that I can start another great day with no words unsaid from the day past. But tonight, things will be different. I will be quiet. I will have nothing to say. He will watch TV and he won't get bored with my talks. And if he asks "how was you day?", I will say" it was a great day!"

It’s a quarter to 2 pm. I have to go to ILI and sit in front of that chair at 2:3o, again. Oh, Lord, how I hate that damn chair!

Being badly insulted,

Narcis

A scene from my piano class:

My piano teacher: you are doing good… comparing to last year, you are progressing very well.

Me: really? Thanks.

My piano teacher: Has anyone ever told you that you are so smart?

Me: oh yeah, my father mentioned it in his will…

Shoooooooooooooot!! Was it the best answer I could have ever given to a compliment?! My father in his will?!!!! What was I thinking at that moment? I'm sure he took back what he said when he heard my answer.

You know Narcis, when once in a blue moon some one comes and tells you that you are smart, just take the compliment and simply say thanks. Don’t go for details or you prove them wrong! Well, that wasn’t very smart of you anyway.

Sometimes silly me,

Narcis

It was teacher's week. So, though late, I just stopped by to say happy teacher's day to all of my colleagues in the world. And that I hope and  

wish them the best, including the most salary and job security they can ever think of!

During the last week I'd thought about something funny and embarrassing that happened or better say I did years ago. 

 I thought it might not be bad to share it with you. So here it is:

It was years ago and I was just a student at ILI. My English wasn’t so good, I could hardly speak fluently. I remember how hard I used to  

improve my English especially by watching movies like a hundred times each and I wouldn't let it go and go for a new one unless I got sure I didn’t 

 leave anything out. Therefore, I used to take notes during the movies, and would look up the new words and phrases in the dictionary.  

There was a movie starring Jim Carry, named Me, Myself, and a female name I don’t recall. I need to confess that it wasn’t the best one that was  

ever made on the planet and that I was unlucky enough to watch.  I have to admit that the dialogues in the movie were filled with slang mostly four 

 letter words (though at that time I didn’t really know any four letter words)  

so no wonder it was severely censored.

I looked up all the words as much as I could. But there was a  word that  

 made me really confused  since I couldn’t find it in an English-Farsi dictionary and the meaning I got for it in the English-English one  was: 

 "an offensive word used to insult sb, especially a man, and to show anger"; obviously not clear enough for me to understand. Not to forget  

that I was such a lazy bone that I didn’t check the words "offensive" and "insult" so that I at least get the idea that its not a good word.  

Unfortunately the characters kept saying it over and over again so it became like a big question for me.

So I said" ok, why not asking my teacher at ILI". And guess what; fortunately or unfortunately, Master was my teacher that term.

The day arrived; it was the break time so I boldly asked:

Me: may I ask a question?

Master: yes.

Me: what's the meaning of ************? (Not my best question, I know)

Master: (staring at me with eyes wide open and asking himself: is she for real???!!) I don’t know!! I really don’t know!!

Me: (looking as stupid as I could) I heard it in a movie and the characters kept saying ************ (I can't

believe I said it again) and I couldn’t find it in the dictionary, so I was wondering…

Master: (still in doubt for my reality) I don’t know!

Me: ok. (With despair)

There was a short silence that Master dared to break: 

Master: Some words are not just worth saying them, you know.  There  was a student who said a bad word and I sent him to wash  

his mouth and he really did so. If I were you, I would never say that word again and I would go wash my mouth. (he said it so gently not to give me  

any bad feelings)

Me: sure. (A little confused)

You can't believe how embarrassed I was when I really found out what it meant.

 It's interesting how surprisingly what you did in life boomerangs on you since a couple of months ago, a student asked me the meaning of a word  

like that at ILI, too. Immediately thinking of Master and that day I answered: I don’t know!! And I thought of the important role of teachers  

and of how they act or react in different occasions. With our different attitudes we might teach them a lesson and somehow change their life in a 

 good way or we might have a bad affect on them and change their outlook of teachers in a bad way. What I asked Master was provocative  

enough to  send me to the principal's office or to give a red mark or at least a frown or a kind of facial expression to show that you didn’t like  

what was said, but since he could read from my innocence face that I really didn’t know the meaning, he just reacted and answered my  

question in the best way.  

So I think I'd better apologize him for unknowingly being so rude and thank him for the lesson he taught me. And I thank all of my teachers for  

all they did for me and all they taught me. And I also apologize for any intentional or unintentional misbehavior I ever had.

Happy teacher's week,

Narcis 

It's been a year and a month and half since I sent the last post. I remember those days very well. The days of sorrows and disappointments, the days of hatred I felt for my job, the days of frustrations and stagnation, and the days that I was still mourning for the loss of my father. I remember them very well. I remember how I was almost disappointed of God to show me my way. And I also remember how I gave up my piano lessens and the English discussion class I had with Master; I remember how, at nights, I used to cry silently for hours in bed with no good reason till I fell asleep and got up in the morning with puffy eyes. I do remember how broken I was because I wasn’t what I wanted of me. I was so disappointed for I didn’t get what I wanted in life. I remember very well, I remember every minute of those sad and awful days.

I also remember my turning point in life; the day my psychologist said that I was suffering from depression and that it’s my own entire fault. She said it was all because I had big ideals and dreams with little efforts to reach them. So from that day I decided to stop nagging and really do something for me and my life. So, on that day I stopped crying and finally chose my way.

In less than a month I got my driving license which hubby and mommy had pushed me to get it for more than 2 years but failed to make me do  so just because I didn’t feel like driving( well, that’s crazy, I know). Now you've gotta see me driving! You may think I'm riding a jet or something!!

Then five month later I got into ILI (Iran Language Institute), with real efforts this time. I tried to be fully concentrated and did the best I could in the entrance exam, the interview and Demo. And it's been three terms that I've been an ILI teacher. And I feel so good about it. As a matter of fact I feel so good about me now. I receive a good monthly salary with job security and all a teacher needs to feel good about her job. I have a very bright future here.

Also, I have started my piano lessons all over again. So ashamed to confess, these sessions are being spent on just remembering what I had learnt before and had forgotten carelessly.

Now after years thinking what I was born to be, I have the answer. I WAS BORN TO BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER!! You may not believe it, but when I'm in my classes I feel like I'm acting on stage. It's like theatre, I have all I want; I have all the attentions and power. Now I know what Master meant when he said theater wasn’t my cup of tea and that a class can be a better place than stage. At that time I wouldn’t believe him, I would think that he is just one of the people who didn’t understand me. Now I see that I was all wrong, because he was exactly the one who realized teaching fit me and my personality best. I'm still wondering how on earth he realized this fact, because at that time I hated teaching, and I had no desire to do so. I thought teaching English was the last thing I would do. I may ask him this one day.

Now I have to say that along with the changes I have made in my life, I have changed, too. And these changes seem to have good effect on me, my self satisfaction and my self confidence. So this is a good end for this chapter of my life. Now, more than ever, I thank God for the best way he showed me. I'm thankful to him for the right path he put me on. And I'm very grateful that he made me owe him this one too.

I wanted to talk about that blank spot and that how it was finally filled, but since this entry is getting a little long, I postpone it to some other time. Well that’s a strange story too. Just wait for it.

It's so late, I've gotta go to bed, I have classes tomorrow.

Promise to not disappear this time.

With a heart full of joy

Narcis

Its yasamin's second birthday tomorrow. And I'm aging. I'm a simple 24 year old mother. I'm nothing. Or maybe I'm just a simple English teacher at some institutes with no remarkable salary which I receive at the end of the term. I'm disappointed. It's not what I wanted of me to be. It's not what I wanted for me. I'm all disappointed. I don’t paint. I scarcely play the piano since I don’t have time for that. All my life is like working and working and gaining almost nothing. I'm tired of working inside and outside with no help from nobody. I'm breaking down under all the pressure I feel on me. And I'm still alone. I'm no body. I'm no body. I'm no body. I've had big dreams for me which I wish I had never wished for them. If I had never desired big things for me, I wouldn’t have been so hapless now. I feel empty inside and at the same time I feel so much inside me; so much hatred and anger that is killing me inside. All I feel now is hatred for the job I have. Being a stupid teacher with no great salary wasn't exactly I've wished for. This damn job has affected all my life, I have no time for myself, not so much time to do the house chores, not so much energy to spend with my baby. And all I receive is nothing comparing to what I do. I'm sick and tired to death of being an English teacher. Maybe I should have chosen another field at university. Maybe I should have gone after art like painting. At least I wouldn’t be disappointed as much as I am now. God, I'm tired of thinking what I was born to do. I'm tired of thinking of the plan I thought you had for me. I don’t wanna think anymore. I don’t wanna have any dreams for me any more. And still I'm not going after art, either. I will continue this damn boring life till the day I'll die.

Narcis

Hello, are you there? If you are, can you hear me? If you can, do you remember me as much as I remember you? I hope not! Because I don’t remember anything about you. Do you ever think about me the way I think about you? I hope so. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I really hope so. Do you hate this distance between your world and mine? I hope you do.   

Somebody is here who has always wanted you to be here, she never wanted you to be up there in the heaven. There is somebody who needs you. This somebody wished to know how it felt to have you. There is somebody whose never-come-true childhood dream was to hold her parents’ hands and to swing as they walked. There is somebody who has always been jealous of the girls that had somebody like you. And that some body is ME. 

I need you so much, I always have. Thinking that you have never been there and that never will be torments me to death. Why can’t you be here? Sometimes I tell myself that maybe you are still alive, maybe one day you come back to me, may be it was all a big mistake that we thought you were killed in the war… I know it’s a fake hope, but what else I can do. You never come to my dreams, either. It’s very mean of you not to do so, you know. Maybe you are not mean. You might be just very busy; living with so many good people in heaven must have made your life very busy there. Well, now it doesn’t seem to be your fault.  

Your not being there has made a big spot in my heart. This empty spot is so deep that can’t be filled with any thing. I’m always thirsty of love and I can never get enough. Hubby can’t fill it, either. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. Because as he says giving me love is like giving salty water to a thirsty person!!  

Let me tell you a secret. Come on, come closer, and let me whisper it in your ear: “No body could have ever taken your place in my heart! No body could have ever been you for me” 

Always waiting for you in my dreams,

Your daughter,

Narcis.

I've just finished reading my web log from the very first post to the very last one. It was like reviewing three years of my life. It was like that I reviewed all the good and bad things that I had had for three years; my happiness and sorrows, my tears and smiles. I remember all those days; the days that I used to crave and cry for theater, or the days I was so busy with my studies or the house chores overload, the days that I was on or off with hubby, the days that I was angry about many things or the days I was happy about everything. Good or bad three years of my life flitted and I got older and of course changed a lot, though some facts about me are still unchanged.

Three years ago, I was a girl who wanted to be on stage so badly and nothing in the world seemed to take its place in my heart. Now after three years, though I haven’t totally forgotten my beloved, its place is almost occupied with other things that I can seldom think about theater. It's mostly for Yasamin and my playing piano that I have peace of mind and comfort; otherwise I would be still in pain for not being on stage.

Three years ago, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t a very responsible wife (concerning the house chores). I would do the chores whenever I felt like. So most of the time nothing but the messy rooms or the pile of dirty clothes in the basket or worse of all the two sinks full of dirty dishes would finally force me to clean up the house. I should say this, too, that when I did clean the house I made it shine like the bright sun! Now I do not understand how I could see all that mess and not do anything, neither can I imagine how I could handle the full loads of my studies and the house chores at the same time. So comparing myself with those days, I see that I'm very changed. Now I can't stand a small object on the floor, or a few dirty dishes in the sink. Although my responsibilities, due to having a baby and all the classes that I have every day, are now in a wider scope, I can say my house is always clean. I clean it up twice a day or sometimes more (it happens when you have a baby and a hubby like mine). However, hubby hasn’t changed much concerning this matter; he still throws his clothes on the sofa or the floor and I have to go around the house picking up his stuff. Though he is changed from always doing so to sometimes doing so!! Well any way, that’s better than nothing.

Three years ago, some times, I was off and sometimes I was on with hubby. Even now, we have ups and downs in our relationship. Well, this is one of those unchanged facts of my life. I think it's impossible for two different people coming from different families to have always the same ideas and opinions. You know, some times I really don’t understand him. I feel he is so different from me. Or even I sometimes doubt our love whether it’s the real one or not! It may sound funny, but even now, I’m not on speaking terms with him! Ha, ha, ha. What happened? Oh, it's a Long story; let me not talk about it.

Oh, God, I’ve talked a lot. I'm very sleepy. Try to write soon

Still learning from experience,

Narcis