There's no morning without mourning

I got lonely more than ever. I got divorced. My marriage is over and I am alone. So, here it is… me and my simple life, me and my loneliness again. But this time it’s quite different. I maybe alone but I don’t feel lonely. As a matter of fact, I am happy and proud. I feel so innocent; like a little child. I have done the hardest right thing in my life. I let myself free, free of all the pains and all the hurts and all the sins. And my biggest sin was pretention; pretending that we were the happiest couple ever while deep down I was getting hurt to death. Pretention was all I had done all these years and suffering was all I got and severe loneliness was my only portion of a happy marriage! People may look down on us. They think we made a huge mistake by splitting up the family but deep down my heart I know we did the rightest thing ever

Now, facing the reality, I’m not a mermaid waiting for a lover any more. I’m just a small crab hiding in my nutshell. I’m just a small crab being concealed in my cave and I don’t want to come out for a long time. I have my fears wall up my heart. I won’t let anyone else hurt me again. I’m scared. I’m scared of being let down again. I’m scared of getting hurt again. Because when it hurts, it hurts to soul; it's as if all the flowers have perished into grey dust, as if my heart has been picked apart by a toothpick, as if the tears I cry are no longer water, nor blood but drops of hope and soul. This is why I’m scared

My dearest Lord, I know that you are with me. I know that you are happy with my brave decision. That’s why you love me so much. That’s why you show me your love in every second of my new life

I don’t have a knight in shining armor to protect me but I have you. I don’t have a lover to talk to and to laugh with. I don’t have anyone to cheer me up and to give me hope for future but I have you. You send me good friends when I’m lonely. You give me comfort when I’m in tension. You make people cheer me up when I’m down. You make me visit good people when I’m scared to trust. And I feel it all. I feel it all. I feel all the blessings being bestowed upon me right from you. I can breathe your presence. And when you are there, all the fears run away

Come down and sit beside me. Comb my hair with your wind. Kiss my pains away. Dry my tears and calm my fears. And be the strong pillar of strength for me. You are the ocean, I am the wave

Take my hand. Take me to the sea where I have been before; once with Death and once with Love. And now I want to walk with you on the beach. Take me home when the moon sparkles in waters. And they say it’s the best night for a moon maiden. Take my hand and let me walk in your presence. Take my hand and let me feel the happiness of having you in my life. Take my hand and let me be a storm of tears being shed upon my unhappy days of not feeling and having you so close. Take my hand and let me wrap my heart around you; I know you never get tired of my love. I know you will never hurt me as they did. Take my hand and let me feel safe with you

Narcis

countless gifts from you

My dearest Lord

I wish you could come down to earth to be right on my side. People are so bad here, they hurt me so badly. Why is it that no one understands me? why is it that the people who say love me most hurt me worst? Was I born in the wrong time wrong place??? I wish you could come down to be right beside me to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I wish you could comb my hair, wipe out my tears and kiss my pains away

But you are here with me. I can feel you in every second of my life. I may be so damn lonely, but I don’t feel lonely at all for you are always there for me, right? I know you are

I am very thankful for all you have given and all you haven’t given to me since I know there has been always a good reason for all you have decided for my life. And I love you for the people I loved and lost and the people I had and did’nt love. A reason behind all that happened in my life has been to help me grow towards the right way and I am happy for all of them, specially for the ones that I think are the bad ones

Love you so badly like I never did

Narcis

A short prayer

My dear Lord,  

I do believe what ever you want me to have is the best thing ever. 

I do believe who ever you want me to be with is the best person ever. 

I do believe where ever you want me to be in is the best place ever.   

My dear Lord,  

Please give me what you want me to have which is surely the best thing for me. 

Please let me be with the person you want me to be with who is surely the best person for me. 

Please place me where you want me to be where is surely the best place for me.  

Narcis 

Over and over again

Just one more day left to my 27^th  birthday... giving up my prayers; giving up my chastity and my innocence. One more time I touch my vein, and the question remains: do I cut or leave

I made a mistake again... and again I hate myself for it... I feel lonely again... and again I blame myself for it... I feel desperate again and I know whom to hate and whom to blame for it... I have reasons to cry again so I know why my tears have to roll down my face again

It’s just too much pain... This is beyond what I can endure, beyond what I can take. Did i need my past memories to be repeated over and over again? I tried hard to forget and it’s all dug out again

I don’t remember saying goodbyes... No it’s been always hard for me to say goodbyes... but I do know I have to say it one day and it kills me so softly... so softly again

Unfortunate Narcis

a ray of hope

 My dear lover Lord 

With your help and blessings I have totally recovered from my severe mental breakdown and depression. I don’t want to kill myself anymore. Those days are gone; the days I felt hatred for hubby, mom, stepdady or even myself. The days that I hated everyone except Yasmin are gone for good. The days that i used to sit in a corner and cry for lots of things and sometimes for nothing, the days that I used to mourn for dad’s loss as if he passed away the day before, and the days i felt i was thirsty of love and nothing seemed to relinquish its thirst are gone for good   

But this long time depression had its own bad effects on me and my life; it  severly killed me, killed my artistic soul and my innocence   

In the past couples of years, this depression has been affecting all my life including my activities and intrests in all i loved and i wasn’t even aware of it. I came to know it 9 months ago telling myself that hey im not a normal person. I didn’t feel normal. I didnt act normally. Then that was the time i started seeing a good psycologist, and with all those therapy sessions and also all the suprising  love and attention i recieved from hubby (something i yearned for all these years i was married to him), i’m alright now. I seem to have recovered quite well from my mentual trauma, and that’s what i owe my doctor, hubby and some good supportive friends 

 I have strugged with it so hard and now i feel much better. But still i’m not strong enough. i feel like there’s something missing in my life. I’m not sure. Maybe i’m just confused, but confused about what? About the feelings i had or have had for different people in my life?  I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just the darkness within me; the darkness that draws me to evil. Where did this darkness come from? I don’t know exactly. All i know is that I hate it and that I want to be innocent again  

 My dearest lord, you know everything about me, you know me better than i know myself. Please have me back with you. I’m missing your love. I hate every bad event of my life. I hate all the mistakes i have made, and i hate all the mistakes hubby has made. I hate to see my innocence lost and gone. i need to forget the sins i have commited. And i hate to be far away from You. i miss you. I miss those days of my life i used be with you. Why dont you call me to be with you again? Why dont you have me back in your arms? Why dont you clear my mind? Why dont you erase the terrible moments of my sins off of my mind? What happened to my innocence? What have i done to my soul? Please help me to find and be the real me again 

Well, maybe my life is not the party that I wanted it to be, But now that I was invited into it, i have to dance as beautifully as i can! And no matter what happened or happens, there is always a tomorrow

Narcis

dead line

Oh sea... how i miss ur shore...how badly i miss ur waves

I wish i was there with you...i wish i was drowned in ur arms...i wish i could taste the sweetness of death when my lips touched urs

I miss the last time i was there with u...i was such a coward that i didnt give myself to u

Indeed i was a coward

U were a way for me to see my dad and i thought u were frightning

Im sure it was warm in ur arms... Is it as warm as my dad’s arms? Because ive never felt it u know

But maybe u could give me a chance to be with my dad

I hate it here

I hate everyone here

I even hate myself

I hate my life

Im at the final line with my life now

I would love my life to end with u...with the coldness of ur waves and warmth of death in ur deep

I wont be lonely with u

Im comin to u

Im coming

my restless soul

Dear Lord,

 I feel so lonely. I need your help; I need your love to be saved or I'll go straight to Hell. It's so hard to resist the temptations. My sever loneliness is becoming a nightmare for me.

Set me free of this pain, of this loneliness, of my crazy thoughts. I'm fighting so hard with me. I don’t want to do some thing you don’t like. But I'm losing my sanity, my faith, my chastity, and I'm losing me.

I know you have given me things more than I deserve. But I can't feel grateful about them. Why is that? 

Why can't he shower me with love so that I don’t suffer much? Is it a test of yours that he doesn’t give me love as much as I need? Oh lord, it's not fair. It's so hard for me; it's more than I can endure. Please help me out. My mind is heavy with crazy thoughts. My heart is thirsty of love. My eyes fill up with tears and my heart breaks so badly when I can't relinquish its thirst.

Dad, how could you do this to me? How could you leave me? How could you be so far away from me and so close to sky? How can you see me suffer so much?

I miss you. Isn’t it funny I miss someone I don’t even remember? Isn’t it ridiculous that I crave for some one's arms that were never open and warm for me? Isn’t it absurd that I always turn to you when I feel I need a man's love and emotional support? Yes, indeed it is. Well, my life is a ridiculous joke.

I forgive you for what you did to me, for the spot your loss dug into my heart. You, too, forgive me if I lost me so that we are even!

A little left of my patience,

Narcis

a beautiful poem by a colleague

Celestial Gift

The peerless emotion

In high speed and motion

Switch voyage from sight

Then it gets to the ocean

Toward the heart it departs

Penetrates Veins and Arts

To every inch it drives

Get residence in the heart

Acting like a conjunction

Merging the Two, its function

The Lover and Beloved

Getting allied on junction

Outstanding Gift of God

Donated to earthy mud

Some will face it and some not

Foe the latter it seems odd

But the former is drunk

In Beloved He is sunk

Raising His hands to sky

Not help having night cry

If beloved getting sick

For this sickness He will die

In love's ocean you need dare

On barbwire walking bare

Tackle hardships encountered

If you care to be in pair

Like the Two parallel lines

Keeping pace but never binds

Shifting to be the rail's wings

Spirituality's minds 

By a colleague who prefers to stay anonymous  

Narcis  

a short letter to my father

My dearest father,

It's the father's day tomorrow…as other girls are happy buying gifts for their fathers, I'm mournful for your loss as if I've lost you yesterday. I wish I could have bought you a gift. I wish I could have hugged and kissed you and told you "happy father's day to the best father in the whole world."

Oh, how I miss you! Why can't I get rid of this pain? How long? How long am I gonna suffer for your loss? I can't take it, daddy. Why don’t I have you with me? Why did you go to the front? Did you ask me if I liked you to go? No, you didn't. After all you couldn't have asked an eighteen month old girl if she desired to be an orphan!

I went shopping today, you know. But I couldn’t find any thing for you in the market.  Nothing seemed to be good for you. What girls buy for their father on the father's day in Heaven?

We're going on a trip to Ghom in less than three hours. I haven’t packed our stuff yet. I don’t feel like going. Hubby has gone out to have the car ready for our trip. So I could at least get the chance to write you this. This is the only thing I can do for you for the father's day. I'm sorry that I couldn’t do anything more than that. I wish I could have.

You see how sad it is, I couldn’t buy you any presents, I can't even visit you (your grave) tomorrow. Well, that happens when you don’t have a father.

I have told God that I don’t wanna live much long in this world because it's so hard to live in here. Resisting all the temptations of this world demands a strong soul; something I lack. I want to stay pure so that I can be with you in Heaven. But I know I don’t have a pure soul. What if Lord sends me to Hell? If he does so, will you come to Hell to be with me?? No, I don't think so, I know you won't. You never come to my dreams while you know how I crave for you. So how can I expect you to tolerate the free flame of fire for me, for you sinful daughter? No, I won't expect that from you as I don’t expect you to come to my dreams.

I'm not feeling well. I wish I could talk about you with some one. I don’t expect to find anyone to talk, either.

Your lonely daughter,

Narcis

My childhood love

Last Friday there was a get together at my granny's house (from my mom's side) because my uncle came from Rasht to spend the three-day- holiday in his home town. You know, it's so good to have lots of relatives and to spend some time with them. It really feels good to think that what ever or in any position you are, where ever you live, back there, you have some people who love you and who have been with you from the very first moments of your existence; the people who belong to you and who you belong to them. So, that was just so wow with all of my aunts and cousins and their spouses and their kids. My uncle is a humorous and entertaining sort of person, made us laugh to stitches talking about anything and everything. We had lunch and in the afternoon, my cousins and I had lots of greengages with salt while we teased each other like the way we used to when we were kids; that was so much fun.

In the evening, I was sitting on the porch and watching yasamin playing with my cousins' kids in the yard. And it took me back to years ago, when my aunts were young, and when my uncle was still single, and when my cousins and I were kids.   

Well, at that time, we used to get together a lot, like every weekend for sure. And my cousins and I (girls and boys) used to play in granny's big garden from morning to noon and then from afternoon till night. We used to stay the night over at granny's with bedrooms and the living room full; all kids sleeping in one room, siblings(my aunts and uncle) in another, and the men( aunts' husbands) in the living room.

While the living room was almost quiet with the men snoring there, the bedrooms were restless and noisy; in one of them with the siblings' talks and laughs about old memories and in the other one with the boys teasing girls and with the girls' objections to be teased; the boys from among my childhood love was. 

As I was all drowned in the past memories, he came to me with a smile asking: 

Him: does it remind you of our childhood? 

Me: oh yeah, we had a very happy and special childhood, didn’t we? 

Him: sure we did. I thought you forgot all about it. 

Me: come on, how could I? They were the best days of my life. 

Him: same here. You know, I often think about those days…I wouldn’t play with anyone but you and the other cousins (girls) were so jealous… 

Me: ha ha, that was because I was the only one who could tolerate an irritating and cranky one like you (laughing) 

Him: yes and also because you were so sweet that I couldn’t be with anyone else but you. You still are! 

Me: Wow that was flirty! 

Him: Nooo, come on. I'm serious…You know, when I was a kid I used to think that you and I were gonna…you never know what will happen! 

Me: Our childhood memories are very beautiful and sacred. But, to be frank, I think we weren’t meant to be together. But we are good friends now, right? Just like before. 

Him: yeah, you're right. 

Me: 

Him:  

He was right. As kids, we would always stick together. But when we grew up and reached puberty, I was the one who backed off. Then as he was busy hanging out with his girlfriends, I was all drowned in my own kind of mysticism which was writing letters to Lord and my dad. Years past, I got engaged while he was happy with a girlfriend. 3 years later, I got married and he got engaged with that girlfriend.  I had Yasamin and he broke up with his fiancée. And in the whole time each of us seemed to be happy with the way we had chosen to live. So, I think that was how fate separated us and we never even realized it. And now, I don’t and can't ever feel anything about him other than the feeling I may have for a cousin. And I'm sure it’s the same for him, too.  Because if anything was supposed to happen, it would have happened years ago. Well, although I hate the fact that I didn’t choose hubby (mom did), I know mom made the best choice for me. And even if I was free to choose my husband, to be perfectly honest, I would never fall for my childhood love.  

Narcis

That was very professional of me

On Monday, the day of unpleasant incident: I couldn’t take my mind off of what happened. That very day I was all confused. The whole day I kept asking myself "why? Why me? What wrong have I done that they thought they could say such a thing to me? How am I going to go to that class or even other classes? Is this how they look at me?" I canceled my private class that I had in the evening. I had a very bad headache, I had neither energy nor interest to talk, I couldn’t eat much, and at night, it took me hours to get to sleep. And the fact that I couldn’t talk about it with hubby or anyone else was killing me to death.

On Tuesday: I woke up with a bad headache. Every where I went or looked at, the damn chair and the words were right in front of my eyes. They weren’t getting out of my sight or thought. I had my piano lessens but I couldn’t focus on playing the piano. Even my piano teacher could realize that something was wrong with me. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was a wreck. Colleagues asked if I was okay, and I said it was just a bad headache. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Again at night, it took me hours to sleep.

On Wednesday:  I woke up with a very bad headache. I felt like my head was about to explode. My heart was beating so fast. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was such a mess. I wasn’t able to act; to look happy. My head was so heavy and my mind was full of crazy thoughts. Colleagues realized something was wrong. They asked but I couldn’t say anything wishing I could have. They talked and laughed and I wished I could have, too. But nothing sounded funny to me. Classes were over. Now, I could finally get a chance to talk to a colleague about what happened. I could finally empty myself. She told me that I had to find out the culprit and let him get what he is deserved for and that I had to punish him otherwise the other students would think that they could disrespect their female teachers and easily get away from it.

We talked for less than 20 minutes and after that, it was all me again; calm and comforted. I was relieved. And the amazing point was that it didn’t seem so awful and embarrassing to me anymore. Well, I didn’t do anything wrong, I shouldn’t have been ashamed for something I had no hands on. I could smile again, my headache was gone. And I was determined to find the wrongdoer. 

That night it took an hour to sleep but this time I was planning how to trap the offender.

On Thursday: I woke up with no headache. I was at ILI 15 minutes early and in less than 10 minutes, with an old trick, I found the offender. I called his mother and asked her to be at ILI at eleven thirty. Then I went to the class with a smile. I wasn’t afraid of that chair anymore. I wasn’t weak anymore. I managed the class as naturally as possible. And when the class was over, I told the offender that he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew why. He followed me upstairs and begged me to forgive him. All I said was" stay here, your mom is on her way" he was panicked. I went to teacher's office and waited. And there she was, on time. I invited her in, told the boy to stay out, and I talked to her. I told her what happened and what her son did, and what I got through. I said "I will do your son a favor and I won't tell the principal, because if I do the principal will never let him step into ILI again. I don’t want to ruin his future for this. However, as a punishment, I'm going to fail him this term so that he or any other students at ILI won't have the audacity to offend a female teacher."

She was very embarrassed and apologetic. She said that she was very sorry and that she didn’t know what to say, and left as a couple of colleagues stepped in. They asked what happened and I told them all. It didn’t sound like a hush-hush to me anymore.

Now although more people at my work know about what happened, I'm still not willing to let hubby know. I don’t want him to think that I'm not working in a good place. I will forget all about it in less than a week but he, as a husband, will be worried forever. I don’t want to see worries in his eyes when I'm leaving for work.

My Lord, I'm very thankful to you that I could handle the crisis very well. I'm happy that, with your help, I could act on Monday; that I could pretend I didn’t see those words, and that I could manage the class very well as if nothing happened. I thank you that you helped me control myself in not telling hubby about it. And of course I'm grateful to you for having Ms. Noruzian, the good colleague/ friend, to help me out of it, the one whom my special thanks go to. You know, I forgive that kid for your love and I hope the best for him. But it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be punished. Failing him this term will teach him a lesson and this is for the best.

Being proud of me,

Narcis  

what's worse than being insulted

I woke up at about a quarter to 9. I washed my face thinking that "it's just another great day". Yasamin and I had breakfast, got dressed and got into the car. I drove her to the kindergarten and I headed ILI thinking "it's just another great day". I parked the car, ran to ILI because I didn’t want to be late. I wasn’t late. I was fifteen minutes early. And I was thinking "what a great day!" Colleagues talked and laughed, I talked and laughed thinking "indeed it’s a great day". I took my books and Cd and all the stuff heading the class with a smile. I opened the door, said hello to my students, they said hello, too. I sat at my desk and…

There was a chair right in the middle of the class and right in front of me. I had a glance at it. There were some words written on it. It read……………

It was a about me!! About me?!! I took my eyes off of it, knowing that my students were observing me. I was embarrassed and insulted. I was sure they read it and I was sure they saw me reading it. But I pretended I didn’t see it, that I wasn’t insulted at all. I pretended that I didn’t see that chair. And as I was pretending I was asking my self "Have I ever done or said anything like that to my teachers?" and the answer was no. I've never even dared to talk about my teachers in that way.

 I did what I normally do; I taught, I joked around with them, we laughed. But I kept asking myself "what's worse than being insulted?".

I know I am a good actress. That damn chair was in front me for an hour and half and I was burning inside. But I didn’t let them know how I was feeling and that I was acting. And I thanked God for this gift.

The class was over. They were gone. I closed the door. We were alone, me and the damn chair. I took out my correction pen and I did what I had to do asking myself " to whom can I talk about this? Hubby?...Never. A friend?... So embarrassing. Mom?... I can't say those words to mom…so no one is left. It's only God that I can turn to."

I was done. I opened the door. All the students were gone. Most of the colleagues were gone, too. I got out, walked to my car with a frown. I couldn’t breath, I was choking, and my hands were shaking. I got into the car, put on my sunglasses, turned on the Cd player, drove home, and I looked at the sky, looked at Him and I cried. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. I was insulted and I couldn’t say a word. I had to keep quiet and laugh and teach!

I arrived home. I sat in the car for a while, took off my sunglasses, looked at me in the mirror. My cheeks were blushed, lips were dry and eyes were wet. And I asked my self "is it a great day? Is it how they look at me? Is it how they think of me? Would they do the same if I were a man? Did I get that because I am a woman?"

What happened today didn't make me hate teaching. No, I don’t hate teaching. I don’t hate teaching boys. I don’t hate ILI. I don’t hate my students. I don’t even hate the one or the ones who did this. But I hate that chair. I hate it so badly. I want it to be destroyed.

Every night, I bore hubby with what happens at ILI each day; what colleagues say, what students do, what I do. He watches TV and I keep talking and talking asking myself "is he listening to me?". Well, I don’t care; I need to talk, to take every thing out of me, to empty me, so that I can start another great day with no words unsaid from the day past. But tonight, things will be different. I will be quiet. I will have nothing to say. He will watch TV and he won't get bored with my talks. And if he asks "how was you day?", I will say" it was a great day!"

It’s a quarter to 2 pm. I have to go to ILI and sit in front of that chair at 2:3o, again. Oh, Lord, how I hate that damn chair!

Being badly insulted,

Narcis

smarty little baby

A scene from my piano class:

My piano teacher: you are doing good… comparing to last year, you are progressing very well.

Me: really? Thanks.

My piano teacher: Has anyone ever told you that you are so smart?

Me: oh yeah, my father mentioned it in his will…

Shoooooooooooooot!! Was it the best answer I could have ever given to a compliment?! My father in his will?!!!! What was I thinking at that moment? I'm sure he took back what he said when he heard my answer.

You know Narcis, when once in a blue moon some one comes and tells you that you are smart, just take the compliment and simply say thanks. Don’t go for details or you prove them wrong! Well, that wasn’t very smart of you anyway.

Sometimes silly me,

Narcis

you think of a title for this one

I'm very sick.

I have a killing sore throat and a fever and my whole body hurts.

 Normally people sleep a lot when they are sick. But I can't sleep, my back hurts badly so I feel I get worse if I lie down.

He keeps calling and texting; bothering me to death. I'd never thought I would hate him so much. I used to jump to get the phone when it rang and read his msgs voraciously. But now things have totally changed. Now, I hate to hear his voice, to read his love texts he sends, I hate to think that he is or was my soul mate. Just two months ago I was all in love with him; we were like twin souls. But now I just wanna forget all about him. I just wanna think that he doesn’t exist. I know that it's impossible, but this is how I feel now, and I don’t tend to change the way I feel.

For six months we had been inseparable; used to hang out a lot (secretly). After not being together for such a long time, he was there for me ready to be found. We were so close together that no one could realize where he was started and where I was finished. He showered me with love and affection, which I craved for since I was a kid and which I was deprived of from a father figure; he could fill that empty spot in me. But there were some problems we faced: First, hubby didn’t like him thinking he was taking me away from him and his wife had a grudge against me thinking the same thing hubby thought. Second, when two people are almost alike characteristically, they share all the good characteristics plus the bad ones. We couldn’t get along when both of us were cranky; we experienced horrible fights together.    

Now it's been two months since our last fight and we had been totally disconnected for a month and half, however, he has been pushing and driving me nuts for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's because he is suffering from this distance. Well, I really don’t care if it’s the case; I just want my life back to normal. And for him, he'd better watch his mouth when he gets angry since I really hated what he said to me in our last fight. It's too soon to forgive him.

Then, I came back to hubby confessing to myself that no one can understand me better than he does; no man can respect my feelings and thoughts or believes more than he does. Now, I love hubby more than ever.

Sick me- on really bad terms with my half brother,

Narcis

happy teacher's day

It was teacher's week. So, though late, I just stopped by to say happy teacher's day to all of my colleagues in the world. And that I hope and  

wish them the best, including the most salary and job security they can ever think of!

During the last week I'd thought about something funny and embarrassing that happened or better say I did years ago. 

 I thought it might not be bad to share it with you. So here it is:

It was years ago and I was just a student at ILI. My English wasn’t so good, I could hardly speak fluently. I remember how hard I used to  

improve my English especially by watching movies like a hundred times each and I wouldn't let it go and go for a new one unless I got sure I didn’t 

 leave anything out. Therefore, I used to take notes during the movies, and would look up the new words and phrases in the dictionary.  

There was a movie starring Jim Carry, named Me, Myself, and a female name I don’t recall. I need to confess that it wasn’t the best one that was  

ever made on the planet and that I was unlucky enough to watch.  I have to admit that the dialogues in the movie were filled with slang mostly four 

 letter words (though at that time I didn’t really know any four letter words)  

so no wonder it was severely censored.

I looked up all the words as much as I could. But there was a  word that  

 made me really confused  since I couldn’t find it in an English-Farsi dictionary and the meaning I got for it in the English-English one  was: 

 "an offensive word used to insult sb, especially a man, and to show anger"; obviously not clear enough for me to understand. Not to forget  

that I was such a lazy bone that I didn’t check the words "offensive" and "insult" so that I at least get the idea that its not a good word.  

Unfortunately the characters kept saying it over and over again so it became like a big question for me.

So I said" ok, why not asking my teacher at ILI". And guess what; fortunately or unfortunately, Master was my teacher that term.

The day arrived; it was the break time so I boldly asked:

Me: may I ask a question?

Master: yes.

Me: what's the meaning of ************? (Not my best question, I know)

Master: (staring at me with eyes wide open and asking himself: is she for real???!!) I don’t know!! I really don’t know!!

Me: (looking as stupid as I could) I heard it in a movie and the characters kept saying ************ (I can't

believe I said it again) and I couldn’t find it in the dictionary, so I was wondering…

Master: (still in doubt for my reality) I don’t know!

Me: ok. (With despair)

There was a short silence that Master dared to break: 

Master: Some words are not just worth saying them, you know.  There  was a student who said a bad word and I sent him to wash  

his mouth and he really did so. If I were you, I would never say that word again and I would go wash my mouth. (he said it so gently not to give me  

any bad feelings)

Me: sure. (A little confused)

You can't believe how embarrassed I was when I really found out what it meant.

 It's interesting how surprisingly what you did in life boomerangs on you since a couple of months ago, a student asked me the meaning of a word  

like that at ILI, too. Immediately thinking of Master and that day I answered: I don’t know!! And I thought of the important role of teachers  

and of how they act or react in different occasions. With our different attitudes we might teach them a lesson and somehow change their life in a 

 good way or we might have a bad affect on them and change their outlook of teachers in a bad way. What I asked Master was provocative  

enough to  send me to the principal's office or to give a red mark or at least a frown or a kind of facial expression to show that you didn’t like  

what was said, but since he could read from my innocence face that I really didn’t know the meaning, he just reacted and answered my  

question in the best way.  

So I think I'd better apologize him for unknowingly being so rude and thank him for the lesson he taught me. And I thank all of my teachers for  

all they did for me and all they taught me. And I also apologize for any intentional or unintentional misbehavior I ever had.

Happy teacher's week,

Narcis